For My Mum.

Dear Mum,

I miss you so much – I’ve really needed you this past few months. My loneliness seems to have taken me over again. You never really knew about how my loneliness affects me – did you ? I’m glad you didn’t, would have made you sad.

This song came out when you were dying – and I tried to fix you right up to your last breath. I wanted you to forgive yourself  and to tell you what a fantastic woman and mother you were. I love you mum and I’m so sorry.

Your last words to me were : Diane shut up.

THE SECRET.

Mum … I’ve felt your pain every single day. Thank you for trusting me with the secret yes its been hard, I understand why you told me I know you wanted it all to come out and I know you weren’t strong enough to do it I didn’t think I would be but I have been.

The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth is out now.

I told one lie mum in bringing it all to light – I felt at the time I had too to protect all the children. I regretted it as soon as I told it. I’m so sorry about that lie. I’ve had to live with that.

Mum …

This week – I’ve told the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Phew !!

I fixed it mum – sorry its taken so long but I’ve not been in a great way with it all I really haven’t. I’ve had to wait for the right time. It’s all ok now mum I fixed you – just got to fix me now. Don’t worry about me.

Love you mum

Diane xx

I think your fantastic.

Dance your Dance.

This I am.

Know yourself.

Love Di

Doubts.

Come on Di – don’t doubt your decision’s or feel compromised by others. You’ve got 24 hours just ride it out with as much calm as you can muster up and hey tomorrow Monday April 16 2012 is a new day.

Love Di

Maybe.

What a beautiful song – love finding new artist and songs.

I found this song literally two seconds ago and I’m listening to it for the first time as I post.

Maybe its time to go.

Love Di x

Easter Song.

Easter song for Easter.

For all us women.

Love Di xx

Wild World.

You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breaking my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware.

I never want to see you sad but don’t ever become one of them there good girls.

Take good care – there’s a lot of amazing people out there.

With all my love

Diane xx

Fear of Intimacy.

“Fear of intimacy is at the heart of codependency.  We have a fear of intimacy because we have a fear of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection.  We have a these fears because we were wounded in early childhood – we experienced feeling emotionally abandoned, rejected, and betrayed by our parents because they were wounded.  They did not have healthy relationship with self – they were codependents who abandoned and betrayed themselves – and their behavior caused us to feel unworthy and unlovable.”

“As children we were incapable of seeing ourselves as separate from our families – of knowing we had worth as individuals apart from our families.  The reality we grew up in was the only reality that we knew.  We thought our parents behavior reflected our worth – the same way that our codependent parents thought our behavior was a factor in rather they had worth.”

“The simplest and most understandable way I have ever heard intimacy described is by breaking the word down: in to me see That is what intimacy is about – allowing another person to see into us, sharing who we are with another person.

Sharing who we are is a problem for codependents because at the core of our relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow defective, unlovable and unworthy – because of our childhood emotional trauma.  Codependency is rooted in our ego programming from early childhood.  That programming is a defense that the ego adapted to help us survive.  It is based upon the feeling that we are shameful, that we are defective, unworthy, and unlovable.  Our codependent defense system is an attempt to protect us from being rejected, betrayed, and abandoned because of our unworthy, shameful being.

We have a fear of intimacy because we were wounded, emotionally traumatized, in early childhood – felt rejected and abandoned – and then grew up in emotional dishonest societies that did not provide tools for healing, or healthy role models to teach us how to overcome that fear.  Our wounding in early childhood caused us to feel that something was wrong with our being – toxic shame – and our societal and parental role models taught us to keep up appearances, to hide our shamefulness from others.”

“As long as we are reacting unconsciously to our childhood emotional wounds and intellectual programming, we keep repeating the patterns.  We keep getting involved with unavailable people.  We keep setting ourselves up to be abandoned, betrayed and rejected.  We keep looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the wrong faces.  Is it any wonder we have a fear of intimacy’

Love Di

Everything’s Changing.

This high and mighty morning won?t help you anymore.
You cant scrape me from the floor.
Everything around me is changing.

And Im tempted by the witches who go waltzing in the forest.
They come calling to me nightly.
Everything around me is changing.

And isnt this always what I wanted
Isnt it just what I always wanted
This is only what I want.
Everything around me to be changing.

And you can send your letter to the same address.
I tend to but I wont digress.
Your head high cos you do your best.
The days are better but the night’s still strong.

It falls down and I do belong somewhere underneath this song.

Now Im tasting your ill flavour
Gather near while I am stranger.
Turn your back while I am brave.
Everything around me is changing.

And didn’t I say it in my own letter.
I will always make you better.
Bring yourself over to me.
Everything except me is changing.

Love Di

I NEED to change to ( keep up ) I don’t know how too. I don’t know how to change to keep up with myself – no-one else – just myself.

‘Diane you NEED to change and you don’t know how too, what a load of fucking bollocks’ You don’t need to change at all you just need to try to stop reacting.

Why are you reacting anyway – you know the script ?

http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/recovery-skills.htm

I’m sick of reading shit like this. Blessed with addiction and blessed with recovery – yer right.

Always learning.

Love Di

Every time.

Every time I close my eyes I see your face.

Love Di x

I want to write so much – I can’t.

Are you ready Di.

Are you ready Di ?

Yes, I’m ready.

Love Di

I want to go home.

 

I am with you though I can’t
come with you .
I am in you and I’m
always part of you ,
and all you ever have to do
to bring me to you
is …

x